You know how they say everyone has a twin? Well, I think I found mine. And I’m going to tell you why you need to find yours.
Twas a fine Saturday evening; my great pal Kate was up visiting Jersey for a few days, and since I hardly get to see her, we decided to really do it up, get wild, let our hair down, pull our skirts up, etc.. We were just two single, crazy gals - one pint-sized and ginger, the other wearing the same pants and TGS sweatshirt as the day before). So yeah, let’s just say the world wasn’t ready for all the shit we were about to tear up.
As usual, we started off our shenanigans at the AMC theater, where we caught the 7 o’clock showing of Oz The Great and Powerful because 1) we’re both very much attracted to both James Franco and Mila Kunis, 2) we heard it was visually stunning (it was), and 3) the rule of threes says this list should have a third reason. When the movie was over, the night was still young. We were still young. The sky was infinite, the stars peered through the altostratus, and everything was beautiful. So we went where any two carefree 20-something-year-olds would go…
Ok, so the buildup was strange, I know. And I tried to make it funny - like, in an ironic-y way. But - truthfully - there’s very little irony in this; we actually thoroughly enjoy the endless roaming of Target aisles at 10 o’clock at night. Why, you ask? Well, one could say that the bountiful Target aisles are just as infinite as the stars (ugh). Or maybe we just haven’t grown into our adulthood yet. Whatever. The point is: we were in bliss. We were two assholes on the loose, and every item was a significant treasure. Observe:
“Yo, Kate. I just had a great idea. You see this soundtrack to the new Tyler Perry movie? We’re gonna buy it and give it to David on his birthday. And then, for the rest of Dave’s birthdays for all the rest of Dave’s life, he’s going to receive a Tyler Perry movie soundtrack.”
Kate didn’t think it was as funny as I still think it is, but it is happening.
At another point in our Target adventure, we decided to play an improv game in which we recreated the moment we met (…only so that from then on, we could tell people we met in Target). Overall, I think the scene went well, but clearly we both decided beforehand to play aggressive lesbians…so it turned out a little differently than I thought it would.
But shit really got wild when we got to the big wall of sunglasses. With so many fancy/plastic options, we were automatically transported into an alternate reality which resembled some sort of knock-off Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. [Insert montage of two overly excited tweens trying on everything in reach and then cat-walking a well-lit Paris side street accompanied by a French model and every things works and nothing looks bad and we are famous and the photographer/cinematogrpaher catches it all].
If it feels like I’m giving you too many details, it’s only because I am. But hopefully said details have made you think something along the lines of: “Holy shit, what a couple of suburban nightmares. Was anyone else shopping in this store?? Wasn’t anybody annoyed by these weirdos??" Probably, yes. In fact, I can almost guarantee it. For, when me and Kate had our fill of Target fun (ready to hit Wal-Mart next), we turned around and there he was.
Yes, he. My twin was a he. A thirteen year-old he. And my twin had a twin. Or maybe that was Kate’s twin. He and his bud were discovering the majestic sunglass wonderwall as we were finishing up with it, and they were clearly enjoying it just as much, if not more than we had. Kate and I headed toward the checkout, unjustifiably annoyed that they were stealing our bit, and minutes later they appeared again. This time, they trotted by us in search of more discount store fun, and my twin blurted out for all to hear:
“Aw man!!! Let’s hit Wal-Mart next!! They’re open 24/7!!!”
So there I was. Standing in Target…on a Saturday night…for fun. This was a wake-up call. He who is my twin, was now my truth.
Hi, I’m Gab. And I’m a 13 year-old asshole with no life.
Anyhow, here’s the moral of this story: You need to track down and meet your twin. Because chances are, it’s an annoying preteen that will show you something very upsetting about yourself. And trust me, you need to be aware of it. Self-awareness is the first step of change. And that’s why Kate and I will be trying cocaine next time she visits.